December has arrived, bringing with it the excitement of the Christmas season. It also means the arrival of house guests. For my family, those guests are Chippy and Jingle Bell.
These two brave souls are the Elf on the Shelf Elf Scouts sent to our house from the North Pole by Santa Claus himself. They come to watch my children during the day, and then, at night, they fly back to the North Pole to deliver a report to Santa about the activities — whether good or bad — that have happened during the day.
Of course, when they return, they hide in a new place, creating a game of hide-and-seek for the entire family as we try to find them. Due to their mischievous tendencies, they often find themselves in precarious positions.
I worry about the working conditions Chippy and Jingle Bell experience during their surveillance duties.
First, their daily commute is insane. From our house to the North Pole, it is 3,578.83 miles. That is a 7,157.66-mile roundtrip each night.
We live in an age of technology. Surely Chippy and Jingle Bell could file their reports via email. Even a text message or a phone call would work.
After all, traveling the equivalent of circumnavigating the globe every four days is excessive and overburdensome.
Second, a human home appears to be a dangerous place for an elf. Chippy and Jingle Bell have gotten themselves into precarious positions.
Sometimes we’ve found them hanging from light fixtures or covered in paper scraps after they cut snowflakes out of construction paper.
If social media can be trusted, the Elf Scouts in other homes have it even worse. I’ve seen those brave sprites frozen in blocks of ice, being waterboarded by G.I. Joe, or otherwise having their lives and limbs endangered by kitchen implements.
It’s terrifying.
No wonder the elves sometimes sit in the same spot two days in a row. They are dealing with serious physical and mental anguish. The post-traumatic stress disorder is real.
Finally, consider their work schedule. For 11 months, they have nothing to do. Sure, only working one month out of the year might sound nice, but it can’t be good for their sense of purpose. Maybe they get to help make toys in Santa’s workshop during their “off-season,” but then they never get a break.
Elf Scouts like Chippy and Jingle Bell need to unionize. They have to take steps to protect themselves by demanding better working conditions.
Two simple steps would accomplish this.
First, they need to adopt technology.
Rather than traveling back and forth to deliver a report in person, they should file them electronically. Email would make the most sense, but any online mechanism could work. Surely Santa and his helpers could develop a proprietary system.
It could be called the Scout Elf Electronic Reporting System, or SEERS for short.
Then, if they adopt such a process, the second step toward a better working environment can be taken.
They can stay in one place. They can pick a perch to watch their assigned families from and not have to move. This would prevent the harm they have been subjected to in the past.
These two changes will improve the working conditions of the elves exponentially, and they will alleviate at least some of the stress the holidays bring.
Sure, humans will still have to contend with holiday meal menus and gift buying, but elves will no longer be weighed down with so much stress while helping to manage Santa’s naughty and nice lists.
That would make for a merry Christmas.
Todd R. Vogts, Ph.D., is a native of Canton, a resident of McPherson County, and an assistant professor of media at Sterling College. He can be contacted with questions or comments via his website at www.toddvogts.com.
