The animated series “South Park,” there is an episode in which one of the characters, who is always on edge, is plagued by a problem of having underpants gnomes stealing his unmentionables as part of a business model.
In the episode, none of the other characters believe.
I feel his pain.
Since I moved to Ransom, I have been struggling with how to dress for work because every morning I can’t find dress socks.
I have tweeted this situation often because it is embarrassing to wear tall, white socks when I should be wearing dress socks to match my shoes and pants.
The only plausible explanation is that sock gnomes have been raiding my dresser drawers during the day while I am at work, leaving me without such a critical part of my wardrobe.
In their attempt to drive me crazy, the little buggers have been slowly succeeding, but they slipped up.
They didn’t get them all.
I found three pair they forgot to nab.
Good because now I have a plan to eradicate the pint-sized pickpockets.
I’m going to go all “Caddyshack” on their asses.
I’m going to make a sock out of explosive putty, and I’m going to carefully place it in my dresser so the gnomes can find it nice and easy like.
The detonator cable will run along my wall and to my bed, where I will be lying in wait.
As soon as one of those little sock bandits comes out, I’m going to depressed the plunger and blow that little thug into a million pieces.
Sure, it might be messy cleaning up gnome entrails, but it will be worth it. I will just consider the guts spilling over my head a reward for doing a good job, just as football players dump the jug of Gatorade on the coach’s head after a well-played match.
First thing is first, though. I need to learn how to pull this maneuver off.
I will just watch “Caddyshack” over and over until I have the methodology memorized.
Of course, this all might fail horribly and I could be left with no dress socks.
At least of have the three pair the gnomes forgot. I can just do laundry every other day. Or I could just buy more socks, but that costs money.
Laundry it is.